Zen Sarcasm
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty muchleave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and aleaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal yourneighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't bepromoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple ofcar payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in theirshoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and youhave their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how tofish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it wasprobably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comesfrom bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half andput it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side,and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips aremoving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you needit.
24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
25. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on ourass...Then things get worse.
26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and alaxative on the same night.
27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it tooseriously.
29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people tomake a big deal about your birthday...around age 11.
30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
